Clash of the Feeling Functions

I have an obvious preference for extraverted Feeling. It’s so clear that I can easily trace a boatload of systemic problems I’ve experienced in my life to over-using this process. I confess it’s an area where I can readily get co-dependent. There are plenty of times when I have acted contrary to my own best interests when I might have been better served by accessing the introverted Feeling process. But I avoid doing it because that’s an ego-dystonic function I resist using and generally avoid accessing.

Nevertheless, I find myself in the curious position of “redeeming” the process of introverted Feeling.

I’ve noticed there’s a lot of bias floating around against introverted Feeling, and many have even “demonized” it. It’s been called the “selfish” function, or the “bad” type of Feeling. It’s little wonder many people don’t want to claim it as a preference with that cloud hanging over it. This bias has even gotten in the way of people recognizing their own best-fit pattern, which in turn challenges my effectiveness as a type practitioner. (Bias is always a challenge to overcome.)

Here are some common complaints frequently lodged against the introverted Feeling process:
*Concentrates too much on personal feelings (is “self-centered”)
*Attached to uncommon ideals which may be out-of-step
*Quiet or retreating; hard to reach or influence (read “change”)
*Unforgiving

To complexify the problem further, my understanding is that Jung was so flummoxed with defining the introverted Feeling process that he quit trying (and that’s saying a lot!). I have heard Fi compared to the Tao – the more you try to describe it, the more it changes and becomes something else. Fi seems to defy defining! I am fond of one type expert’s definition of introverted Feeling as “things that bring a lump to your throat, or make you cry.”

Now, I need to make it clear that I prefer to deal with people as "whole patterns" -- I don't believe functions such as Fe and Fi operate independently outside the rest of the personality. And I also recognize that not everyone is a healthy representative of their type.

Having established that premise, let me zoom in on an isolated comparison of Fe and Fi for theoretical purposes. Here are some fresh ways to consider these two processes.

Introverted Feeling is all about "valuing." That might even be a synonym for this process. Extraverted Feeling is all about "connecting." That might even be a synonym for this process.

How well someone succeeds in using these processes, or whether they use them in ways you personally agree or disagree with has no bearing over what function you're observing. It's useful to keep that in mind and not let your own filters mislead you. It’s a mistake to suppose that anyone who uses a process differently from the way you do must therefore be a different type.

Here's the thing: one hallmark of introverted Feeling is to withdraw, to end relationships. This process is the one most likely to treat another as persona non grata when a value has been violated. So look back over your life now and notice all the times you've walked away, turned your back on someone, ended a relationship. Those would be manifestations of introverted Feeling.

And we've all done it. Every one of us (I believe) has felt obliged to end a relationship for one reason or other that probably had to do with our values. By extension, we may rely on those examples as proof that ALL of us can and do use ALL of the processes. Nobody got overlooked when it came to the introverted Feeling function.

The piece to notice is how readily doing that comes to you, and how easily or gracefully you do it. Chances are that people with introverted Feeling as a preferred process do it with greater style and grace than those of us who (like me) prefer extraverted Feeling.

I know in my own case, I still suffer over a relationship I ended in my twenties. I still feel haunted by it from time to time. An older homosexual neighbor began calling in the middle of the night drunk and telling my boyfriend he was in love with him. I endured several occurrences, but the behavior continued, and finally I cut him out of my life and demanded my boyfriend cut him out too. Some bit of self-preservation burbled up within me and said "no!" to this kind of disturbance. I still believe I was justified, but I confess it continues to haunt me and I still feel remorseful over it. I worry he didn’t “deserve” my ill treatment.

What’s also interesting is that of all the men I’ve had intimate relationships with, those who prefer extraverted Feeling are still friends, while those who prefer introverted Feeling severed our relationship completely (and, to me, painfully).

I suppose because introverted Feeling is the "opposite" of extraverted Feeling (which has a need to be connected) this feeling of "disconnection" is, ah..... disconcerting. It's difficult to let relationships go. It’s like losing some part of ourselves.

I’ve come to admire people who seem to let go of relationships easily and naturally. There's always a new horizon, a new friendship to be had. No problem. People who prefer introverted Feeling don’t generally hang on and struggle to maintain connection in spite of everything.

On the other hand, people with introverted Feeling as a preferred function sometimes struggle to stay "connected." This can be a challenging domain for them. It's not that they don't prize relationships -- it just seems to be an especially difficult issue with them. When there is stress in the relationship, the temptation is to simply end it and walk away rather than “work through” the problem. People who over-use introverted Feeling may leave behind a trail of failed relationships in their wake.

To demonize introverted Feeling as a "selfish" function is to miss the value of the process. It's important to see ALL the processes as valuable, useful, important. Only then can we appreciate our differences the way this model was designed to help us do. To lapse into the one-sidedness of making other processes "wrong" or "bad" misses the boat. Introverted Feeling may not come readily to me, but that doesn’t make it bad – it simply indicates it’s something I need to get better at using. It’s a useful self-preservation tool that I would benefit from using more – in fact, it’s a resource I lean into whenever I do coaching. When I ask my clients what’s really important to them, this is the process I expect to answer back. And it may be a question they’ve never been asked before!

If you have a preference for extraverted Feeling, I invite you to find positive ways of experiencing introverted Feeling -- both in others and in yourself. What are the benefits of the introverted Feeling process? How can this process serve you? What's it good for? Who would you be if you didn't have any personal values? Who would you be if you didn't cultivate your own personal identity, or ever consider what’s important?

Perhaps answering those questions will give you a greater appreciation for this process. You may even discover it’s a preference you weren’t aware of.