Don't Be Too Nice
I was reading the APTi "Bulletin of Psychological Type" today. They reprinted a keyote address given by Isabel Briggs Myers at the first-ever national conference on uses of the MBTI in 1975.
One of the remarks Isabel made jumped out at me. She describes a trap that feeling types fall into, and she advises them, "Don't be nicer than you're going to be able to keep up."
BOY DID THAT LAND. My jaw dropped open.
The past three weeks, my husband's family has been visiting from Australia. We have had two family get-togethers and done more sightseeing than you can imagine. We even took them with us to San Francisco when we drove up there over a weekend so that I could participate in a workshop with Dr. John Beebe. We have given them complete access to our home; we have taken them shopping in the garment district; we have driven them out to Venice Beach; and we went to see "Spiderman" at the Cinerama Dome. (Friday we are seeing "Pirates of the Caribbean" in the El Capitan.)
WHEW!
The trouble is, whenever I have visitors like this, I put EVERYTHING aside so that I may attend to their needs. Like, when my parents visited a few years ago, I swept my whole life under the rug in order to give them my undivided attention. I chauffeured them everywhere; I got them in to see stage shows (the famous Christmas show in the Crystal Cathedral, for instance), they slept in my living room -- I knocked myself out! After they left, I collapsed AND needed to put my life back together since it had been on hold for so long. (Mind you, I'm an entrepreneur, so I had the freedom to do all that BUT I can't afford to take much time off or I'll go bankrupt. I also prefer introversion!)
Sometime after they returned home, my father made a casual comment about how he might like to come out and live in California. I nearly had a nervous breakdown! I wondered if he thought he would get such special treatment all the time if he relocated here!
I still harbor a little fear that someday he might appear on my doorstep, expecting to be taken care of.
And here I was doing it again -- this time with my husband's family! It's not like they're terrible people or anything -- they're not! In fact, you couldn't ask for better houseguests. Really! (This isn't about them; it's about ME. I've got that straight!)
The trouble is, when I have guests around, I don't know whether I'm feeling MY feelings or theirs! It's very challenging for me to separate out, since I have a preference for extraverted Feeling.
Ironically, only yesterday I had a conversation with my husband wherein I expressed my fear that in short order one of the youngsters might decide to move to L.A. and take up permanent residence here. After all, we showed them such a good time -- why shouldn't every day be that great? (~shudder~)
So when I read what Isabel Myers had to say, "Don't be nicer than you're going to be able to keep up," it REALLY landed. I saw how hard I am pretending not to have a Real Life, and am making myself completely available, and I never gripe and I never complain. (I AM A SAINT!)
Luckily, Robin's sister also has auxiliary extraverted Feeling, so I know that she "gets it" how I am striving to make their visit wonderful, but I do have limited reserves to draw on. She is VERY GRATEFUL. (It's so gratifying when another extraverted Feeling type "gets" and supports you.)
Nevertheless, it seems to me there is some room for VJ development to be done here -- though I don't know yet what that might look like.
It's possible it will show up as needing to create healthy boundaries should any of them choose to re-locate here. We may have to engage in authentic conversation should that ever transpire. And I may have to do the unthinkable -- stand up for myself (~gasp!~).
That peculiar extraverted Thinking lesson seems to show up again and again and again in a thousand different forms. I guess some problems are never "solved."
One of the remarks Isabel made jumped out at me. She describes a trap that feeling types fall into, and she advises them, "Don't be nicer than you're going to be able to keep up."
BOY DID THAT LAND. My jaw dropped open.
The past three weeks, my husband's family has been visiting from Australia. We have had two family get-togethers and done more sightseeing than you can imagine. We even took them with us to San Francisco when we drove up there over a weekend so that I could participate in a workshop with Dr. John Beebe. We have given them complete access to our home; we have taken them shopping in the garment district; we have driven them out to Venice Beach; and we went to see "Spiderman" at the Cinerama Dome. (Friday we are seeing "Pirates of the Caribbean" in the El Capitan.)
WHEW!
The trouble is, whenever I have visitors like this, I put EVERYTHING aside so that I may attend to their needs. Like, when my parents visited a few years ago, I swept my whole life under the rug in order to give them my undivided attention. I chauffeured them everywhere; I got them in to see stage shows (the famous Christmas show in the Crystal Cathedral, for instance), they slept in my living room -- I knocked myself out! After they left, I collapsed AND needed to put my life back together since it had been on hold for so long. (Mind you, I'm an entrepreneur, so I had the freedom to do all that BUT I can't afford to take much time off or I'll go bankrupt. I also prefer introversion!)
Sometime after they returned home, my father made a casual comment about how he might like to come out and live in California. I nearly had a nervous breakdown! I wondered if he thought he would get such special treatment all the time if he relocated here!
I still harbor a little fear that someday he might appear on my doorstep, expecting to be taken care of.
And here I was doing it again -- this time with my husband's family! It's not like they're terrible people or anything -- they're not! In fact, you couldn't ask for better houseguests. Really! (This isn't about them; it's about ME. I've got that straight!)
The trouble is, when I have guests around, I don't know whether I'm feeling MY feelings or theirs! It's very challenging for me to separate out, since I have a preference for extraverted Feeling.
Ironically, only yesterday I had a conversation with my husband wherein I expressed my fear that in short order one of the youngsters might decide to move to L.A. and take up permanent residence here. After all, we showed them such a good time -- why shouldn't every day be that great? (~shudder~)
So when I read what Isabel Myers had to say, "Don't be nicer than you're going to be able to keep up," it REALLY landed. I saw how hard I am pretending not to have a Real Life, and am making myself completely available, and I never gripe and I never complain. (I AM A SAINT!)
Luckily, Robin's sister also has auxiliary extraverted Feeling, so I know that she "gets it" how I am striving to make their visit wonderful, but I do have limited reserves to draw on. She is VERY GRATEFUL. (It's so gratifying when another extraverted Feeling type "gets" and supports you.)
Nevertheless, it seems to me there is some room for VJ development to be done here -- though I don't know yet what that might look like.
It's possible it will show up as needing to create healthy boundaries should any of them choose to re-locate here. We may have to engage in authentic conversation should that ever transpire. And I may have to do the unthinkable -- stand up for myself (~gasp!~).
That peculiar extraverted Thinking lesson seems to show up again and again and again in a thousand different forms. I guess some problems are never "solved."
posted by Vicky Jo at 9:40 PM
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